December 2010


December 29, 2010

Am I really in so many pieces? Each fragment a separate life Now I’m in this mind Then I’m in that Distinct and Miles apart In this mind I can’t even think straight I’m so overwhelmed by decay In that mind I’m sharp and in focus In that mind I’m really okay It sounds just […]

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Some novelties never wear off

December 19, 2010

It is that time of year again. My name is everywhere and I try not to be too sensitive. I get off the ferry this morning and walk across the Embarcadero. A brass band is playing Christmas carols in a rather sad and lackluster way because the musicians are standing out in the cold and […]

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December 13, 2010

I am a rolling stone. I gather no moss. Every day is new and nothing sticks. There is no accumulation of anything worth keeping. There is no foundation. Our house is a house of cards. Standing at the gate and looking at our house and garden and the swimming pool, I swear they look like […]

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One is fun

December 12, 2010

Since it is the season, I am thinking about Christmas, not just the holiday but my last name. Over the term of my life, Christmas has come to mean to so much and so little to me. So this piece of writing is about Christmas in one way or another. In spite of my mother’s […]

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Misunderstood to the end

December 7, 2010

“God, this is awful,” I mutter under my breath to my cousin who is sitting beside me on the pew at the front of the chapel. The funeral celebrant, who had never met my mother, is reading the eulogy. On top of everything else, she has a monotonous voice and is droning on about someone […]

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And we let go

December 7, 2010

My mother lasted another seven years. During that time, she was happier than she had ever been. After she had recovered from her surgery, she started seeing a psychoanalyst and went to see him five days a week until she became too sick. Then he visited her at the hospital and he came to her […]

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A fight to the death

December 4, 2010

My mother’s cancer is just as sad and unbelievable a story as any other part of this ordinary tragedy.  When she discovered she had a lump in her breast, my sister took her to see the doctor. My sister waited in the car with her children while my mother went into the clinic. Later, my […]

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Stronger than that

December 3, 2010

I did not break, although there have been times, as recently as yesterday, when I thought I might. It amazes me that I did not break. So this memoir is also about the power of psychoanalysis. My first analysis, started when I was 28, saved me from psychosis. How do I know this? I remember […]

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The last chance

December 1, 2010

By the time I am in my early thirties, my feelings about my body and the possibilities with regard to having a lasting relationship have changed. In vitro technology has become a possibility and a couple of my friends have taken advantage of it and it has actually worked for at least one of them. […]

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