Feels like love

by jexmas on October 28, 2013

I dreamed you were there, waiting for me in a great big bed in the middle of a road in the middle of the countryside. It was a bed covered in white blankets, like clouds drifting across a serene bucolic scene. They were soft and inviting and you were snuggled under them, waiting for me to slip in under the covers and meet you in all of our openness.

But I could not get to you. I was obfuscating. I was distracted by other things. I had to go on a journey away from you for a while. And while I was away, I forgot where I supposed to be. I forgot you were waiting for me.

And when I realized, I was so far away, it was too late and I knew I could not get back to you. I could not get back to where I belonged. It was because I would not let myself find you. I would not even let myself know I was stopping myself from finding you.

But suddenly I understood.

And I cried from deep within my soul. I sobbed because I knew what I had done. And I could not stop myself. When I woke up, I was still crying and my cheeks were wet with the tears of loss and self-sabotage.

Love is not easy, but surely not doomed. In some way you are me or, at least, the core of who I can be rests in the place where I can rest with you. In that place, of finding myself, something profound happens and it feels simple. It feels like love.

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